In my Darkest Hour Faith Kept Me Alive

Faith.  What is faith?  We hear varying descriptions of this word- belief in the unseen, trust in a higher power - my favorite definition is Hebrews 11 which states, “Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. (NIV)
I interpret this to mean having certainty that the things, experiences and situations we desire to be, do and have will happen; we do not let what we see, especially contrary things, dictate what we believe.

For me, faith is an internal spring of life that can get you through the most devastating experiences.  Whether it is a sick child, not knowing how you will pay your rent to trusting your dreams will become your reality.  Our faith is our rock of salvation.  By having it we are rescued from the pit of oppression and delivered from the cruelty of meditating on unlikely circumstances.  Faith is an invitation to desire greater, believe greater and become greater. 

My darkest hour
Just a few months ago I was diagnosed with stage 3 colon cancer.  Cancer!  The diagnosis explained the excruciating pain in my GI area every time I ate as well as the horrible back pain and countless vomiting fits I’d have even on days I hadn’t eaten.  My stomach felt like it was on fire and my throat was sore from the constant vomiting. To make matters worse, the malignant tumor in my colon was bleeding, I was losing lots of blood fast which caused me have severe anemia;  I never had energy to do anything, holding my newborn wore me out, walking, something I love to do, exhausted me. My life was slipping away.
     
Found hope in my heart
When I first heard the diagnosis I was petrified. I thought, “People die from cancer!  I can’t die; I have so much living to do.  I can’t die; I have a 6 month old baby.  I can’t die, not right now.” I started crying & envisioning my three children sitting on the front pew of a church at my funeral.  I started thinking about whether my grandson would remember me since I had died when he was so young.  I wondered things like, “Who would raise my baby girl? How will my older girls do with me gone? What about this? How will they take care of that?” Then I stopped mid thought and declared that I will not die, but live!  In that moment, I made a decision that no matter how bleak things looked I was going to fight for my life.  If the cancer had spread, I was going to fight for my life.  If I had to do chemotherapy or radiation, I was going to fight for my life.  I drew strength from my faith and found hope in my heart.
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Not built to break
I had never faced this type of health crisis.  I knew I needed to get out of my emotions and replace my fear with faith.  I reached out to my family for prayer, encouragement and emotional support. As they individually prayed, prophetic promises came forth,  John 11:4, Isaiah 53:5 just to share a few.  To elevate my faith even more, I listened to inspirational songs, my favorite, “Let Your Power Fall” by James Fortune and talked to a good friend who had had a similar experience.  I decided not to entertain thoughts about death and instead focus on life and living. 
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Life happens yet we are not built to break.  We are going to experience situations that will leave us speechless and make us feel overwhelmed. (50 Things to Do when Life is Overwhelming), that’s all a part of living.    In moments of obscurity, choose faith.  Choose to believe that everything will ultimately be just fine even when nothing outwardly supports this belief. If you need to cry, cry! (The Big Ugly Cry)  If you struggle to find that inward place of jubilation (Where the Heck are all my Happy Thoughts), that’s fine, feel what you feel but don’t get stuck there, find an outlet.

In my darkest hour my faith kept me alive.

Share in the comments section, "What has helped you get through some of the toughest moments in your life?"

Until next time, make it a great day,
Cynthia