A soul stirring cry, a piercing wail that made me think someone was hurting my child. Samantha screamed as if she was afraid for her life. The thing was I had only stepped over to the sink to get a glass of water, she could still see me. It frustrated me that she demanded my attention, ALL of it and whenever I was not fully engaged with her, she’d become angry, that “slap your phone out of your hand while in the middle of reading a text” kind of angry.
Even at a much younger age, when she’d be asleep, if I started watching television, reading a book or become fully engrossed into something, the child would wake from her sleep and start to cry. Sometimes, I would cry right alongside her because I couldn’t understand why she acted this way and it annoyed me. I started to feel as though she was selfish, very selfish and very territorial.
Before Samantha, I had settled in my heart that I was not having any more children, so when I found out I was pregnant with her I was vexed. Quite honestly, I did not want to share my time, focus or energy with anyone else, especially not a baby. You may wonder how I could feel this way, well it is important to know, prior to Samantha I had experienced two miscarriages, because of this, my confidence in my ability to carry her full-term was extremely low. In addition, about a year prior, my 16 year old daughter gave birth to my grandson, whom I became completely responsible for. On top of that, Samantha’s father and I were separated at the time and though I could raise her well on my own, I didn’t want to. But the biggest hamper was I had envisioned devoting my time, energy and focus to growing my business & ministry and writing more books; having a baby would make it harder for me to do these things successfully, at least that’s what I believed.
One afternoon after enjoying breakfast, I took Samantha to song & story time at the library, when we arrived back home we played together for about an hour then I put her down for a nap. Immediately upon opening my laptop Samantha woke up screaming and crying! I knew that there wasn’t anything physically wrong with her. Irritated, I picked her up and sat her on my lap. I asked God to help me understand what was going on with her because I agonizingly felt that my child wanted all of me and the thought of that saddened me, I really needed God to show me the truth about what was happening.
God said, “Samantha is not selfish but she feels insecure about your love for her.” I looked my baby girl in her big beautiful brown eyes and told her the truth. With tears in my eyes, I told her, “Mommy was displeased when she found out she was pregnant with you. Mommy didn’t want to get pregnant again because she was afraid she might lose you like the other two and her heart couldn’t take that again. Mommy loves you very much and is very happy you are here now that you are here. Can you forgive your mommy for making you feel unwanted?”
After reassuring her that my love for her was solid; I asked if she’d be willing to share me with my dreams and after giving her what seemed like tons of kisses, I encouraged her heart to know she had nothing to fear, that I would never abandon her and that God is always with her. From that day on my child has not been the same and our relationship has evolved into one of love, respect and security. I can now walk out of the room without her blowing up; she’ll even sit quietly on my lap as I read whereas at first she’d try to knock the book out of my hand. Hard to believe this was the behavior of a pre-toddler... lol.
Sometimes we want to skip around the truth because we think it may hurt someone’s feelings or we are unsure how to operate in truth, the beautiful thing is, God will teach you any and everything that you desire to know or grow in. A lot of relationships are broken, battered and bruised either because no one wants to speak the truth or the truth is not able to be fully received because of immaturity. The truth makes us free indeed; it removes the potential of untruth to prevail and replaces assumptions. Sometimes speaking the truth isn’t easy but it is necessary. Ask God for wisdom in this area if it is one you struggle in.
Until next time, make it a GREAT day on purpose,
Passionate writer whose mission is to uplift hearts & offer sensible ways to create a beautiful life. Her transparent sharing encourages emotional healing & spiritual growth. You too can overcome, walk in victory & see value in every situation.